Ask the expert about bullying

[Angie_Contact]

Hi everyone

My name is Angie and I’m the Helpline Manager at Contact, the charity for families with disabled children. Our helpline is for parents and carers in any part of the UK with a disabled child aged from birth to 25. Your child can have any kind of disability or additional need, and you do not need to have a diagnosis. As well as our online advice and information Contact have a free helpline 0808 808 3555 for parents and carers who want to talk through their issues with one of our parent advisers.

Contact supports families with the best possible guidance and information. We bring families together to support each other. And we help families to campaign, volunteer and fundraise to improve life for themselves and others.

If you are a parent carer, ask me questions about dealing with bullying at school I’m here throughout Anti-Bullying week (12 November to 16 November 2018 ) to answer your questions including:

• What is bullying?
• How to respond to your child
• What schools’ should do
• Keeping a record of incidents
• Supporting your child
• Meeting with school
• What you can do if the bullying carries on

I can also let you know about any resources and guidance to help you. I look forward to reading your questions.

Angie

[SarahL]

[frances_is_a_sibling]

What a really important topic - thanks for hosting this.

Here’s my question…

I’d really like to ask about helping adults with learning disabilities and/or autism to stay safe online - particularly with friendships (e.g. on social media). How do you keep people safe from being bullied or exploited? I’d love to hear from parents and siblings about their experiences of supporting their family member with this - what has worked and what hasn’t?

[SarahL]

[james.robinson]

Hi everyone,

Adding to Angie’s message, I’m James and I work in the Mencap policy team. I’m here to help answer any other bullying-related questions you might have that aren’t covered under Angie’s list above.

Hopefully, between us, we can get you the answers you need!

James

[GillBill]

Hello.

My teenage son is having trouble with some other children when he is travelling to and from school. I think some (but not all) of the children are from his school. It is all very subtle stuff. Nothing physical just a bit of name calling and shouting. To be honest he isn’t as bothered about it as I am.

I am not sure how best to help him. He is keen on just ignoring it. I am not sure me going with him or making a complaint will help. He doesn’t have any trouble when he is at school.

I’d really appreciate a bit of advice about how to handle this without making it into a really big issue.

[SarahL]

Hello

There is so much information about staying safe online and cyber bullying out there - it really is a bit overwhelming. I have a few posts to share with you that cover some key points and link to more information if you want it.

What is cyber bullying?

Cyber bullying is when someone repeatedly sends messages online that are hurtful, embarrassing or threatening. We sometimes call them trolls and cyberbullies. This could be in emails, chat rooms, text messages, social media, or instant messaging.

Online bullying behaviour includes being teased or made fun of, unpleasant comments being posted, or pictures or videos of someone being shared publicly online that they don’t want to be seen. Find out more about what is cyber bullying.
If you have concerns for someone’s wellbeing or safety call Mencap’s helpline on 0808 808 1111.

[SarahL]

What can you do about online bullying?

If you think that your sibling, child or family member (who has a learning disability) is being bullied you can help them with this.

The main thing is to listen to them, make sure they know it is not their fault (and that they don’t need to be embarrassed), and then act to address the problem.

There are lots of good suggestions on www.mencap.org.uk/advice-and-support/bullying/bullying-online

Dos

• Do report bullies.Facebook, Twitter and most social media, instant messaging and community platforms will have a way for to report a post or message.
• Do stop the cyberbully from making contacting again by blocking their email address, phone number, and either deleting or blocking them on social media and instant messaging apps.
• Do report any threats, blackmail or inappropriate sexual messages to the police.

Don’ts

• Don’t ignore the bullying - it won’t go away by itself.
• Don’t respond to any hurtful messages or posts written
• Don’t try to get revenge on a cyberbully - rise above it…

A good rule to remember is:

“If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online”.

Useful links

• Thinkuknow
• NSPCC’s Share Aware campaign
• Safer Internet
• Mate and hate crime

[SarahL]

Helping someone else to stay safe online

You can help someone with a learning disability to stay safe online:

1. Talk to them about the sites and apps they use. Perhaps you could set accounts up together.
2. Talk about personal information and what to share online.

SafeSurfing

SafeSurfing is training that supports people with a learning disability to know what personal information they should share online, how to protect their personal data, and surf the web safely.

There is a brilliant video about the training that covers what you should (and should not) share online. Perhaps this is something you could watch together?

I really hope this help

Cheers
Sarah

[frances_is_a_sibling]

Thanks for this info @SarahL, particularly the SafeSurfing info which looks like a fantastic resource. The link takes you to saferinternet.org which I notice it’s for children and young people - do you have a similar resource aimed at supporting adults with learning disabilities to stay safe online and avoid bullying and exploitation? I’d love to hear more about this area.

[Angie_Contact]

Hi thanks for your question.

Firstly it’s positive that you can discuss this with your son. We know that often children don’t tell parents that bullying is going on. Did he tell you or is something you have witnessed with him? Often children may not want a parent to take action, for fear of things getting worse or that nothing may be done about it, so it’s important that continue to discuss your concerns with your son and that he tells you if things escalate.

Section 89 of the Education and Inspections Act 2006 states that maintained schools must have measures to encourage good behaviour and prevent all forms of bullying amongst pupils. This can include regulating behaviour off-site including on the way to and from school. If the behaviour policy includes off-site behaviour, then the head can take steps to discipline pupils for poor behaviour off site. You would need to check the school policy on this. Similar legal provision applies if your son attends an academy.

Generally, we would encourage parents to raise any concerns with the school as soon as you are aware of them but again check in with your son on this and try to explain your concerns and get him on board with your decision. Is there anyone at the school that he is close too, could have an initial discussion with them?

If you decide not to make a make a formal complaint now, it would be a good idea to keep a record of incidents – would your son be willing to do this? I appreciate this could be difficult as he may not want to focus/write down negative experiences each day. However, if things do get worse and you need to make a formal complaint you will have a record of incidents to show that it is not a one-off incident.

As well as a behaviour policy some schools will also have an anti-bullying policy, so it’s worth checking the school website, to see how they describe their approach to dealing with bullying. There is also Government guidance for schools on preventing and tackling bullying in which outlines their legal duties.

Contact produces a guide to dealing with bullying
and online advice including pages on keeping a record of incidents, meeting with school, different approaches schools can use and helping your child to deal with bullying.

I hope this helps, it would be great if other parents could share their experiences in the hub about how they have dealt with similar problems.

Angie

[ThatsHowItStarted]

Hi Angie,

Thanks so much for posting on here. It is so important having these opportunities to ask questions. As a parent I quite often find times where I don’t know where to turn.

My son has been struggling at school with bullying. We have been keeping a diary of what has been happening at suggested by the school, but we get the impression the school is not sure what to do next. They have told our son not to react and tell one of them, but nothing seems to be changing. We know of another child who is also being bullied by the same child, but it is a bit awkward as the parents are friends with the parents of the child who is doing the bullying.

We don’t really want to go above the Headteacher, but not sure what else would be best to do. We just want our son to be able to enjoy school, without this child making his life a misery. He quite enjoys school otherwise, and we really want him to feel this is a safe environment.

[SarahL]

Hello @ThatsHowItStarted. Angie is having a very busy Anti-bullying week and will get back to you on Friday about this. I hope that is ok. Many thanks Sarah

[amy.c]

My experiences of bullying

I have been bullied both in public and online on social media.

Once someone on a Facebook group called me the R-word for posting something about Dr Who. I left the group and reported the person to Facebook but I didn’t get a reply. Now I don’t involve myself with nasty people like that in a group or on my profile.

Once, another person on Facebook started posting things about me, saying that I should calm down and stop liking my own posts or posting so much. So, I joined another group and still did the same number of posts, and nobody seemed to mind.

Nowadays, if someone makes a negative comment on one of my posts or about me, I consider if they are being rude, and I either say something polite or if I feel they are being inappropriate I report them to an administrator or leave the group. I can also block people who I don’t like, especially if they are being rude to me.

I have been bullied twice on public transport in London. I asked some teenage girls to stop throwing cans into the road and not be rude to an elderly man. They then turned on me saying I was “a mentalist”. They tried to touch my hair and said things like “go home”, as if I was a silly child. I tried to ignore them as I thought they would get bored and stop, but they seemed to enjoy being nasty.

From these experiences and through my work at Mencap, I have been able to get involved in several projects and opportunities to help people, especially vulnerable people and people with a learning disability, protect themselves from bullying.

In 2015 to 2016 I was involved in the SafeSuring project which was associated with Inclusion Europe. The project aimed to teach people with a learning disability to use the internet safely. As part of this I traveled to Poland and Spain to meet people from other organisations who also work with people with a learning disability to help them to stay safe online.

As well as this, earlier this year I gave evidence to the Petitions Committee in the House of Commons about my experiences of being bullied and harassed online. The petition was started by Katie Price in the hope that the Government will introduce laws so that those who abuse vulnerable people online can be prosecuted.

My advice for anyone who may be being bullied, or who suspects that someone they know might be being bullied is talk to someone about it. You can report inappropriate, hurtful or abusive behavior on all social media platforms, or speak to a carer, family member or friend.

Organisations like Transport for London offer online reporting for crimes or incidents on their network, so you can let them know about your experiences quickly and easily.

[SarahL]

[Angie_Contact]

Hi @ThatsHowItStarted

Thanks for your question.

Firstly it’s positive that the school have accepted that bullying is happening and have put some tools in place that can help to support your son. However, as well as tackling bullying, schools have a duty to prevent bullying too, as highlighted in the government guidance is my earlier post.

Some schools can struggle with this, particularly if the bullies’ also have additional support needs. Sometimes schools may be taking steps to support the child who is bullying or there may be consequences to their behaviour but the school may not share this with you as they see it as confidential. Some schools don’t understand bullying, it is usually a group behaviour and they need to tackle all of the roles/individuals in the group, not just the obvious leader.

Could you meet with the head teacher and explain the impact on your child, how is he affected? How does he feel? When planning for a meeting with the head, it’s important to think about what you and your son would like to happen. The school behaviour policy is key, what sanctions are applied for breaches, are they being applied in relation to bullying incidents? In addition, when thinking about your son, it’s worth considering when the bullying takes place, is it throughout the day, or on the way home from school, lunchtimes, etc. This may impact on the practical steps the school can take to reduce the incidences. It’s important to try and maintain a good relationship with school, and suggesting solutions can help with this but will be dependent on your relationship with them now. You could take the tips for teachers resource and ask more about the approaches they use to deal with bullying.

Ultimately, you can decide to make formal complaint to the school, following the school procedure. If you are not happy with the response then if you are in England and your son attends a state school, you can raise your concerns with Department for Education.

Unfortunately, if the relationship breaks down some parents make the decision to find another school. This is not something we would advise, until you have exhausted the approaches above unless the impact on your son is so great, that you need to move him and he wants to move.

Lastly, just to highlight the following additional resources that may be helpful to you and other parents.

Anti-bullying Alliance have a free online training package for parents, this was developed with Contact and parents.

There are also free resources and CPD/training for schools including tips and guidance on best practice.

I hope that helps

Angie

[SarahL]

Hello @frances_is_a_sibling.

I have just realised the link in the post about SafeSurfing was wrong. It should have gone to https://www.mencap.org.uk/about-us/our-projects/safesurfing (I have also fixed the link in the post).

Hopefully this answers your question - SafeSurfing is internet safety training for people with a learning disability.

The internet is useful in many ways, however sometimes there can be risks and dangers, such as stolen personal data and cyber bullying. People with a learning disability are especially at risk of being hurt, so to tackle this, the SafeSurfing project created its own internet safety training.

This training aims to support people with a learning disability to know what personal information they should share online, how to protect their personal data, and surf the web safely.

Many thanks
Sarah

[Joe24]

Hello

I posted on here ages ago but my post seems very relevant for this.

I'm worried about my brother being teased

Hi everyone, I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, or just to hear someone else’s experiences. My brother Jacob has a learning disability and sometimes I feel pretty alone. Jacob has just turned 18 and I’m worried about him. My parents have always been pretty protective (probably over-protective), which has always been fine, but as he gets older he wants to do more on his own. He gets a thrill from popping to the corner shop, or even walking to the end of the road. He insists that my parents …

I’m still struggling with this. I don’t feel to have very much support and if I try to talk to my parents they just get very stressed. I often worry that I am making the situation worse.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? What should I do to help?

Thanks

[james.robinson]

Hi @Joe24,

First off, it sounds like you’re an incredibly caring brother and Jacob is lucky to have you.

I completely get your concerns. As a sibling myself, these are issues I’ve also come into contact with over time and it cuts you up.

I remember when my sister was walking down a road and 2 kids walked either side of them and mocked her walking style. I could have exploded. But the thing was that she was pretty OK with it, all told. She was actually more worried that I was upset which made me re-think my perception of her resilience and vulnerability.

That’s not to say what the kids did wasn’t wrong, or that those people teasing Jacob weren’t either, but I think it’s a realisation that made me better able to cope with how she faced bullying. There’s a feeling from you that you have to deal with it all, to protect your sibling from everything - but clearly that’s not possible.

Of course, if those acts are causing distress or upset, then that’s another matter. Encouraging him to talk to people he trusts, including you, is essential. The worst scenario of all is that this reduces his confidence and independence, so it’s also important to explore any options that might help reduce his concerns. Similarly, it could be worth you or him making some staff at the social club, for example, aware of this so they can monitor how he is when he’s at there.

Finally, if you think others’ behaviour amounts to abuse or intimidation, you should contact the police.

I hope this helps and do come back to me if you want to discuss this further.

James

[frances_is_a_sibling]

Thanks @SarahL, I’ve followed the link and found the training resources and also some videos (here’s a direct link to the videos if anyone needs this https://www.safesurfing.eu/videos-2/ ) - these look really helpful. Best wishes, Frances