Tough love and helping your adult son move into Supported Living

[Carolyn]

. Our 22 year old son with severe mental health problems and a mild learning disability is moving out this Sunday into supported living. We are very happy with the supported living home we have chosen, but he has little insight or mental capacity and he does not want to move this weekend. The thing is he is very anxious about it and will not want to move ANY day - even if we move the date forward. It is for the best for him - in the long run we feel, and totally the best for his siblings . its just SO hard on the emotions for my husband and myself. Anyone else been/going thou similar??

[pogdog]

Hi my son is 34 and still at home he has sotos syndrome he has moderate learning difficulties we have just started on the long road to supported living and Ian is also very anxious about it I agree it will be best for him but its very hard for us as we just want to keep him safe,but we wont always be here for him and I would prefer to know he is settled before its too late I hope you dont feel alone in this as we are all here to help each other through these emotional times pauline

[SHARON]

Hi
I also have a son 32 with Sotos, I am just enquiring about supported living for him at the moment, dont know where to start because we live in Rotherham, but want him in north Sheffield so he is surrounded by family xx

[pogdog]

Hi Sharon its nice to hear from you .Does your son have a social worker? for the first time ever we have a good one whos really helping us Ian also has a great key worker at the day centre he attends.You need to get lots of people supporting you. I hope it all goes well for you it would be great to keep in touch with you as Ive never met anyone in virtually the same position as me before it would be nice to compare notes as it were . hope to hear that youre making progress soon Pauline Saville

[Mumof3girls]

My daughter went into a care home at the age of 22. It was a big adjustment for her, and she didn’t settle overnight, but over time she eventually settled in really well. For me, the real joy is that I’ve stopped being her “carer” and gone back to being her “mum”. Sure I still go to some hospital appointments with her, but mostly when I see her it’s to do something fun like go out for lunch or a bit of girly shopping. Her sisters go round and take her out, too, and she has deepened her relationship with them no end. She comes home for the day every Sunday and for us it has been an entirely positive experience of letting her go, even though it wasn’t easy to start with.

[pogdog]

hi pogdog here thanks your post was helpful as it gave me some hope for the future thanks a lot

[Ali55]

I’m new to this site and am finding it very helpful.
My son is 31 and is autistic, has epilepsy and severe learning disabilities. I’m trying to encourage him to think of independent living but he’s having none of it. I know it would be much better for him and he would be happier but it’s the fear of the unknown. If I try to talk to him about it he gets angry and he displays very challenging behaviour. I’m divorced and really need to start the process as I’m very conscious of the fact that I’m not always going to be around for him. I know he’ll hate me and will feel like I’m rejecting him but I feel that if he tries it he’ll wish he’d done it years ago. I just wondered how your son was getting on Carolyn, and has he settled in to his supported living home?
I look forward to hearing from you. Ali

[pollyanna3]

Hi Ali, I just found your post we seem to be in a similar position with our children and finding a place for them to live which is safe, secure and will give them a more independent and full life. Have you made any progress in talking with your son? my daughter is ‘open’ to the idea but we have only just started the conversation and havn’t even seen a Social Worker which will be the first stage… I totally get how you are feeling by the way.

[Ali55]

Hi Pollyanna

It’s really nice to hear about others who are in a similar situation to myself. Unless you have a child with special needs / disabilities you can’t possibly understand. My sisters are supportive but they only see the positive side as my son is always happy in company, and when I tell them that he’s kicked off, they say that .

[pollyanna3]

Morning, I was feeling very much on my own with trying to get myself prepared to talk to my daughter about this next stage of moving on to a more independent life. I don’t belong to any local support group and have no contact with parents who have adult children still living at home. Up until this year my daughter was adament she wanted to live with me ‘forever’ but people she knew from college and several people from her drama group live happily in ‘supported housing’ and this has slowly helped to change her thinking.When we talk about the process of finding the right place for her , I say she will always have a home with me but will also have ‘second home’ sharing with people nearer her own age,etc. We are definately not rejecting them …only thinking of their future. It will probably take some time for me to find the right type of housing for my daughter, one scheme I am interested in won’t be up and running for at least another two years and even then I don’t know if it will meet her needs. I may need to move to another part of the country. I know I will struggle to trust anyone else to look after her, even typing this I can feel myself getting anxious. Take care.

[Ali55]

Hi Pollyanna 3, I’m so sorry I haven’t been on this site for so long. My daughter has been through a terrible time and I’ve been trying to support her whilst trying to find somewhere suitable for my son to live. I discussed finding him a home with carers with his care manager and social worker. They said they’d put the wheels in motion and I started dropping it into the conversation with my son. His anxieties got so bad I suggested that I back off and if/when somewhere suitable was found we could let him see what he could have. I’ve now been told that because he won’t agree to it there’s nothing they can do and his social worker has closed his case. I feel so let down and trapped. He’s 32 and I need to know that he’s happy and settled in his own place. Now I feel as if that won’t happen until either I can’t cope any more or I die, which will be extremely traumatic for my son and his sister. I literally don’t know what to do. Hope things are ok with you xx

[pollyanna3]

Hi Ali, I have not found social services to be very helpful and like the situation with your son my daughter’s case is closed! I have made my own enquiries about what specialist accommodation is available and you can do the same. My daughter is more open to the idea of living in supported living and we do drop it into conversation occasionally…no pressure. I have just emailed one of the possible places that is being built in Surrey and it looks like the earliest they may take applications will be the end of 2019. I found it really helpful just to know what may be available. It does make sense to have something in else before we are no longer able to care for our children or God forbid should die suddenly! I have been seeing a counsellor mainly to work through the grief of losing both my parents in 2016 but I have found talking about my daughter’s long term future, helpful too.
I hope your daughter is doing better now?